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Cautionary Tales For Children
Wonderful witty poems great for reading to your children. The stories and rhymes will stay with them for the rest of their lives.
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Research has shown how important YOU are to your children and how as a dad the things you do, and keep on doing, really count, whether you live with them, or you are a single dad and are only able see them once a month, once a week or more, what you do really matters. This site is dedicated to all dads but will be of special relevance to the single dad. Remember, you are half the reason your children exist and they need you whether you live with them or not. As their dad, you have what it takes to make their lives successful and fulfilling no matter how often you see them. This site is about all the positive things that we as parents have to offer our children.
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How to stop arguing: Part 2
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By Chris Barnardo
In the second of our two articles on how to stop an argument, we look at ways you can halt an argument once it gets going. It’s better to avoid them before they start, but sometimes even with the best will in the world, this is impossible; stopping an argument very difficult once it gets going. Our body is programmed for the fight or flight reflex and that means that once your body senses a threat, the hormone adrenaline starts pumping into your system getting you prepared to fend off the perceived danger. Naturally as a result you feel angry and the only outlet for these feelings is to shout louder at the person with are arguing with. That’s why one of the best ways to stop an argument is to give yourself a break. The beneficial effects of a 5 to 10 minute break cannot be over emphasised. The break gives you a chance to think straight and with the threat removed your body gets a chance to settle down and stop making things worse.
. . .
Apart from taking a break, there are some other things that you can bear in mind that will help you stop arguing. Below you will find our top ten tips for stopping an argument. Like all lifestyle rules, the best ones are to be used as a guide at the beginning and then as you become an expert the lessons learned become second nature. So here’s to not arguing...
- Take a break
Take a time-out from the person and the argument. Go and get a cup of coffee, go to the bathroom or walk round the block. Don’t leave the argument unresolved though. Say that you are just taking a five minute break to collect your thoughts and agree to come back so that you can make a fresh start on working together sort things out.
- Stick to the point of the disagreement
Don’t dredge up old arguments or disagreements that were discussed last time. Stay on topic. If the other person wanders and tries to bring up old stuff, ignore it and return to solving the problem at hand. If they persist, calmly say that this is not what you are talking about now. Don’t rise to the bait defending yourself for something that is not related to the current disagreement.
- Start with the heart
Before you say anything - every single time before you speak - start with the heart. Think what you really want to achieve with this argument / heated discussion, where would you like this to lead in say a week from now. In a week from now, how would you like to look back on what you said today?
- Listen to the other person
Open your ears and your mind, don’t talk over the other person, ask yourself what that is achieving? Surely they aren’t listening to you when they are talking. Try to make sure that you talk in turns. Don’t raise your voice why should a disagreement turn into a shouting competition.
- Try to start negotiating
Be open and honest with one another, be willing to show your vulnerability and be open to the fact that you may be wrong. No one is right all the time, and your argument is more resolvable if you keep from feeling like you have to defend your every move.
- Have a snack or make a cup of tea (or coffee)
Eat or drink something; hunger and disagreements don’t mix. However, obviously don’t try to discuss things when you are worse for drink. Alcohol is both a depressant and a disinhibitor. A study for the Home Office1 found that a third of all intimate partner violence was committed under the influence of alcohol.
- Don’t say things you don’t mean just to hurt the other person
When the two of you are not arguing, make a list of the words and tactics that will be "off-limits" in an argument. Agree that next time an argument starts, you both going to focus on the issues without name-calling, for example. If you can, establish some rules for debate - promising that certain hot-button issues and phrases are out of bounds - you can prevent a lot of heartache and encourage more proactive discussions.
- Don’t point out the other person’s faults to justify your own
There is absolutely no evidence that this solves any problems, in fact it is like throwing petrol onto the fire. In any case it is the sign of a very defensive person, who in the face of criticism, starts to point the finger back at the other person. If you really feel aggrieved that you have only done something because you were following the other person’s lead, then say this, rather than pointing out similar but unrelated faults in the other person.
- Always apologise if you are in the wrong
Sorry (next to goodbye) is in fact one of the hardest words to say. When meant, a heartfelt apology can go a long way to healing a rift between two people. It acknowledges the other people’s hurt, it shows that we can see where we went wrong and it suggests that we might be wiser next time and avoid repeating the same old mistakes. If a disagreement has started with the intent of resolving an issue, then apology goes a long way towards the resolution process.
- Plan to avoid arguments before they start
Plan to discuss tricky issues during a special time each week, perhaps over a meal. If you have trouble remembering what annoys you, write down the issues that you feel are not being addressed and encourage the other person to do the same and suggest that you compare notes. Perhaps you are not that far apart in your thinking. Perhaps you will see the other person’s point of view. At the very least you will feel listened to and the other person will feel the same. If an argument looks like it is starting agree that this is a point to discuss at your special time.
1. Mirrlees-Black, C. (1999). Domestic violence: findings from a new British Crime Survey self-completion questionnaire. Home Office Research Study No. 191. London: Home Office.
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MicroBlog Archive
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WEEK 13, 2009
How to stop arguing: Part 2
How do you stop an argument if you are already in one, here are our top ten tried and tested ways of halting an argument in its tracks
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WEEK 12, 2009
How to stop arguing: Part 1
Ten reasons actually why people argue (and that's not including what they argue over) to help you avoid the argument traps and habits
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WEEK 11, 2009
Getting ready for a new arrival
When you become a dad for the first time your life changes dramatically,so here are ten top tips on how you can prepare practically for the new arrival
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WEEK 10, 2009
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Ten top tips for dealing with all the goodbyes a single dad has to say and keep on saying.
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WEEK 9, 2009
Can I do that again?
Think twice before you dismiss your kid's quirkiest comments, because children approach life with such an open mind, that there is often a great deal of sense in even the strangest things they say.
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WEEK 8, 2009
Food of the gods
Chocolate isn't all bad, in fact it's mostly good, see our top ten reasons why chocolate is good for you
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WEEK 7, 2009
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Everyone has their own way of recognising the importance of the moment, but here are my top ten tips, conveniently sorted in to Mind, Body and Soul.
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WEEK 6, 2009
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Caring for a sick child is never easy, but if you are divorced or separated then you might find these top ten tips helpful
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WEEK 4, 2009
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WEEK 3, 2009
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WEEK 51, 2008
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WEEK 49, 2008
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Finding a date is never easy, but it is doubly hard when you’re a single parent. Read the first part of James's story here
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WEEK 48, 2008
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WEEK 46, 2008
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WEEK 45, 2008
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WEEK 44, 2008
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WEEK 43, 2008
Smack or snack
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WEEK 41, 2008
Ten great first dates
Where you choose to go on your first date says a lot about you as a person and how you think, so make the most of it with these top ten tips for a great first date venue
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WEEK 39, 2008
How to encourage your kids to read more
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WEEK 37, 2008
Ten ways to be positive
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WEEK 36, 2008
10 ways to grow your kids' creativity
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WEEK 35, 2008
Relativity: When dark days feel like months
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WEEK 34, 2008
Feeding the machine
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WEEK 32, 2008
Burning Building
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WEEK 31, 2008
How far have we come?
Humans have been evolving for 1 million years and it's been 10,000 years since Cro-Magnon man developed the family unit, how far have we really come?
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WEEK 30, 2008
Who put that cup there?!
What is it that is so seductive about blame? No one is immune to its satisfying qualities and its effects ripple through society at every level. Our kids are an easy target...
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WEEK 29, 2008
Winners and Losers?
A thoroughly modern school sports day, that's more about taking part than about making one winner and loads of losers out of us
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WEEK 28, 2008
Living apart together
Society is changing, and more and more people have two places they call home, so why is Shared Residence still such an issue?
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WEEK 26, 2008
Mummy says we need a haircut
Do you feel like you're being told what to do by your ex-partner? We explain a little of what's going on and how you can deal with it.
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WEEK 25, 2008
Alchemist's Dream
Single parents achieve the alchemist's dream of putting separated things together to turn lead into gold for their kids
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WEEK 24, 2008
Happy 100th Birthday, Father's Day
100 years after the first Father’s Day, is this day just another “Hallmark Holiday” or a special time we can use to say what we really mean.
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